Insight from your LilSIS

There is so much in my life that I'm ready to get off my chest; to free my mind and soul of it and not let it affect me anymore.  I'm ready to be done worrying. 

Roommate:

I can't believe I let my life be controlled by this situation for so long.  Nor did I realize how unhappy I was until they were gone.  Last semester was different.  The three of us had issues that arose with each other but we worked it out, mostly.  I found that I usually held in whatever I was feeling, and that obviously didn't do anyone any good.  I wanted things to be cleaner and more organized.  I didn't want to have to clean up other peoples' messes.  At the same time, I didn't want to hear one roommate complain about the other (although I am surely guilty of that).  I stuck it out, and it worked pretty well.  We got along most of the time.  There were food issues and cleaning issues that were not resolved.  Apparently that is how everything started.  Because we three never sat down to fill the others in on our living expectations for the apartment, things were somewhat escalated and that is where the problems began. 

We went to lunch with a friend and the other roommate (now former roommate) perhaps felt left out.  A passive-aggressive note on facebook was written telling everyone about how she felt "betrayed" by her friends to do this.  Apparently we were not the only people doing this at the time but she just happened to take it out on us.  Now surely, her boyfriend moving in i'm sure had something to do with the added stress of her new situation.  Needless to say, I didn't handle it 100% well and accused her of breaking the rules that she came up with (without consulting the co-habitants of the on-campus apartment). 

Fast forward to this semester.  Boyfriend moves in.  Aforementioned sushi incident.  Things really never recover.  I make an effort.  She is sometimes okay, but usually not.  I get sick of hearing the door slam.  Its obnoxious and I hate it.  Joe is friendly enough at the begining but uses too much toilet paper.  He's living here rent-free, buy some toilet paper, dangit! And he told Nicole that he was not going to buy flour because he didn't use it all.  (Digression: She used all of my bbq sauce twice without replacing it and then took all of the condiments in addition to our joint cleaning supplies when she moved out).  Then I got annoyed with his presence.  I was sad that they were always in her room, locked away.  I missed my roommate.  And he sensend my annoyance with him and got a cat to retaliate.  They had been planning it, apparently and had opportunity to tell me but didn't.  I was insulted that they didn't consult me and I was appalled that I was so disrespected in my own place of living (can't call it a home, yet).  Roommate didn't have anything helpful/constructive to say.  She let her boyfriend talk AT me telling me very loudly what he thought and leaving little room for what I thought or how I felt.  I mentioned him leaving and she was vehlmently opposed to that idea.  I called Dad, he said he'd figure out who to talk to.  I talked to Amber and she said she'd take care of it.  I wanted the cat gone and I wanted them to stop being jerks.  I didn't want to live like this any longer.  I was (ill?) advised to talk to Dean of Students.  I did. He was furious.  Got them to move out same day.  I was so emotional throughout the whole ordeal.  Shes being so mean, and thinks that she did nothing wrong.  Figures.  She told her new roommates that I called her a bitch.  Not true.  She thinks she got a TRO because I went to her room to get things that she took that she KNEW were mine.  Why would I want to go near her anymore?  I definitely do not.  Was called a "rich bitch" and "unAmerican" via text to roommate.  I'm so glad this is done and over with.   

I got Facebook updates from people, I was accused of slander (ha.) and being a bitch.  We had a meeting to get each others' stuff back.  I didn't say a word for fear of crying in front of the "enemy".  Other roommate got involved and things turned sour between them also.  She went to Dean, and I guess that annoyed Ambs. 

Ambs.. she's been a sweetheart throughout this whole thing.  I'm sure shes annoyed of me and our situation but I needed her and she did her job 100%.  I never thought i'd be in a situation like this before.  I wonder how all of this will affect my working as CHA over summer.  

I saw ex-roommate on campus today.  I sure didn't get a warm-fuzzy feeling inside or anything.  But I didn't overdose on anxiety either.  I think this is a good sign.  Shes still furious.  Oh well.

Meanwhile...

While all this was happening, my life did not stop.  I developed pneumonia.  Thats not fun and it definitely hurts to breathe/cough.  I had drugs for it but those made me sicker with the side-effects.  I'm done with those now.  I definitely still wheeze and cough pretty hard occasionally though. 

Summer plans are being made.  I haven't heard back from any of the chicago-based consulting firms.  Shame.  I thought i'd be able to do that in addition to CHA and a class over the summer.  I guess not.  I want Boyfriend to be here over the summer.  He is trying.  He has a job here, not one back home.  But he has a place to live back home and not one here.  We discovered a financial issue yetsterday evening that also puts a damper on the summer.  But roommate will be here (though she will no longer be my roommate) and friends of Boyfriend will also be here.  So I won't be lonely.  Hopefully. 

Speaking of Boyfriend, I met Potential-Mother-in-Law over spring break.  Shes a sweetheart.  I definitely see where he gets it from.  We went to a little italian place and had some sandwiches.  Her birthday was recently and we got her some awesome flavored dry teas.  She liked them.  Win.  Also said that she hopes to be a loving MIL one day.  Makes me happy!  Both Grandmas know about me.  Dad/Brother do too.  I'm meeting Paternal Aunts this friday and we're going to dinner/see a play.  I'm totally looking forward to it and defnitely want to make a good impression.  My family, however, is a different story.  *sigh* Religious differences...

Speaking of family.  I celebrated the birth of my 2nd nephew in February.  He came a few weeks early but was still healthy enough.  Big Nephew had a hard time adjusting but is doing better now that he is on a more stable routine.  He still relapses though.  It must be hard.  Being the youngest, I can't even imagine it..

School.  Thats another story.  I'm falling behind.  Not working up to my potential.  I haven't been able to focus these last couple of weeks with the afforementioned sickness/drama.  I missed an exam.  I have to take the final in that class.  I had another exam in that class today.  Didn't do so hot.  Perhaps average?  I can only hope.  ECE i'm falling behind in as well.  I needed to be going to class regularly.  At least this semester I know what a k-map is.  I'm hoping that doing better in this class will improve my GPA.  Same goes for heat/mass that I have an exam in tomorrow.  I need to turn in all of my old process homework.  I'm wayy behind in that class and did horribly on that exam.  Horribly.  I need to do better on the second exam.  Whenever that may be.  All of my finals are going to be crucial this semester.  Project class is going well.  I feel like i'm learning stuff.  Wooohooo.  I like this class because I can feel the real application of everything that I've been learning the past few years.  And its for a consulting company, so thats exciting too.  I want to do better and bring my Major GPA up.  I want to entice companies to hire me in this economic recession.  I'm so nervous.  Will I get a job?  Will I have to go to grad school?  I've always wanted an MBA.  But don't they encourage some work experience before applying?  Hmm...

Lessons Learned; 
Speak up when problems arise.  Things will never take care of themselves and will only get worse.  Cherish those who you love and those who love you.
 
 Family&TrueFriends are the best things in this world.    They will hold you up when you need it.  Don't ever turn your back on those who love you unconditionally.

School is so important.  Learning is the key to life.  This is the beginning of the rest of our lives.  Make it count.  Especially academically.

XOXO
Lil Sis 

I'm ready to let go.  To start again.  I'm ready to be healed and cope with grief.  I've lost people in my life before, people I've known significantly better and people who have had a more profound impact on my life.  I've been to funerals and wakes before.  So why the sudden punch in the stomach?  Why is it, with this boy, I am unable to return to normal life again?  I didn't know him very  well.  He was a peer of mine, Benjamin.  He was young, younger than I.  His death, ruled an "accident".  He didn't mean to die.  If he had known that he would not survive that night, he probably wouldn't have done it.  I'm glad it wasn't a suicide.  I can't bear to think he wanted to take his own life.  He has so much to offer to this world.  I knew him as a bright young man, fearless, a bit careless, and wittily awkward.  I have all these questions swirling in my head.  Was he really alone?  I can't believe that he was, but they say he was.  I've been there, where he was found, so many times before.  I recall lounging around over the summer eating a Hershey pie in the humid stairwell, right near where he was found.  I'd been there so many times.  People had to have walked by there numerous times as well while he was missing.  But no one noticed until a week later.  An unoccupied room.  Occupied of a body but vacant of a soul.  You didn't mean for this to happen, Ben.  I truly believe that. 

I guess this is why I cannot focus.  I cry, random uncontrollable bouts of tears, usually at inopportune moments: In class, during a test, at an important meeting.  I'm debating whether to see a counselor.  It seems like i'm fine during the day, though.  Its just when my mind wanders.... I can't focus long enough to get anything done.  I haven't been able to since he went missing.  I have irrational fears now, of everything.  I'm scared of losing someone close to me now.  I was paralyzed with terror seeing a marker on the floor.  I was so afraid someone wouldn't see it and would end up tripping on it, injuring himself. 

I'm glad all of his Brothers are doing better, coping with their loss.  Now, its my turn.